When my college girlfriend broke up with me, she told me something I’ve never forgotten. She said to me, “No one will ever love me like you do.” Now, I know that statement probably isn’t true. College Shawn wasn’t perfect just like Present-Day Shawn isn’t either. I had my flaws. To think that someone else wouldn’t come along and love her better or love her more than I did is a little crazy. But here’s the thing. At that moment in time, when she uttered that sentence, she believed it. And I believed it. At that moment, it was true. And that sentiment, that thought, perfectly sums up my dating experience to date. She believed no one would love her better than me, but she still left me. She wanted something more or something different. Me loving her more than anyone else could still wasn’t enough. So how could I not feel like I wasn’t enough?

Ever since I was in high school, I dreamed of falling in love, getting married, having kids, and building a loving, supportive family. Being a husband has been my one, true goal. I’ve craved love and wore my heart on my sleeve. I’ve wanted nothing more than to share my love with someone special and be loved in return. And yet, every woman I’ve ever loved has left me or rejected me. How could I not feel like I am not enough? That my love isn’t enough? How could I not feel the need to try even harder the next time I fell for someone? Because clearly, it must be a me problem, right? I was the common denominator. So, it must’ve been that I didn’t try hard enough, or that I didn’t love them enough. It must’ve simply been that I wasn’t enough.

And so, I vow to be better for the next time. To try harder and love harder. To prove that I am enough. But then the next woman is scared off, too. Because I tried too hard, or was too intense, or loved them too much too quickly. And once again, I find myself again facing this never-ending riddle of simultaneously being too much but not enough, with no clue how to solve it. And, with a slowly fading smile that seems no longer able to hide the dying embers of hope slowly burning out within my heart, I resign myself to the fact that maybe I never will.

(An original piece by Joan Ko. Follow her on IG for more: joanknockout)