“…Cry when I’m writing, I don’t really know why
I think it’s cause I can’t really see myself an old guy
And that scares me, I wanna be around a while
But I feel my purpose goes beyond having raised a child
Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast
So I shine bright, but I’m scared that it won’t last”

 

When I was younger, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. A lot of the kids I knew and hung out with did. Doctor. Lawyer. Scientist. Teacher. Social worker. The list goes on. It was discouraging to me that I didn’t know. I felt kinda clueless and purposeless because of it.

But then one day it clicked. I wanted to be a husband. I wanted to be a father. I wanted a family. I can’t recall where my moment of clarity came from exactly, or even when precisely I came to this realization, but as soon as I thought it, I felt it resonate it within the fibers of my being. It wasn’t a traditional job obviously, not something you go to school for, but it was who I was meant to be.

I didn’t tell anyone about this revelation. When it came time to go to college, I chose a major that I knew you could make a lot of money in, since that would be vital to raising a family in the future. (Computer engineering, in case you were wondering, big mistake there) I quickly learned that to give myself the best chance of succeeding, I would have to select a major that I had some moderate level of skill and interest in. And so two schools and three major changes later, that is how I found myself with a double degree in PR and Org Comm.

The problem at that point is that I was single, and while still in the throes and thralls of love, everything I knew I wanted to be was fading quicker than a setting sun. Blink, and you might miss it. See, growing up I was a hopeless romantic. I listened to Boyz II Men, Dru Hill, Jagged Edge, Usher, Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, Keith Sweat, Tyrese, the Temptations (I could go on and on), and my favorite of them all, K-Ci & Jojo. All those crooners distilling in me at an early age all these ideas of love and how to love and what a relationship should be like. I wrote poetry. I bought flowers. I expressed my feelings, something men aren’t known for. I wanted to matter to them because they mattered to me a great deal. My sister told me I wore my heart on my sleeve, and she was right. I loved easily, and I loved hard. Most likely because I wanted it so bad.

That’s part one of my downfall. When I dated a girl, I wanted it to be something real and serious too soon. It’s okay for that to be the end goal that you have (cause otherwise what is the point of dating? You’re only going to waste time), but you can’t always jump right in with both feet. I’m not trying to propose after a week of dating or anything crazy like that, but I have a bad habit of acting like we’ve been dating for ages when it’s only been a week or a month. That can be a lot for a person to handle in a new relationship.

Part two is my ability to go along with whatever they want so as to not cause any strife. I didn’t do that all the time, but I did it enough. I thought that if we never fought or argued, they wouldn’t leave me because things would be ‘perfect’. How wrong I was.

I learned those lessons the hard way with the only two serious long-term relationships I’ve ever had, my high school sweetheart and college sweetheart (is college sweetheart a thing? If it isn’t, it is now!) and have/am working on not being so intense and being myself. I think that’s the real key right there, not being afraid to be myself. Read the books I want to read, watch the tv shows and movies I want, root for the sports teams I want. Well, the last one has actually never been a problem, but you all get my drift.  Whatever girl I date in the future will either share those interests with me or won’t try to change my interests if she doesn’t. I have to remember to be myself and do the things I like because someone will come along one day that accepts me for who I am, and will either share those same interests or at least not pass judgment on them. When that girl comes along, I don’t want to be putting up a fake front by pretending to be someone I’m not.

Because by not doing it that way, by not being myself, I feel like I’ve broken myself. I’ve grown selfish and no longer want kids so that I can have my time for myself. Kids are great and all, but they are a 24 hour, 365-day responsibility. I don’t want to deal with that anymore. I know it sounds awful. Maybe some girl someday will come along and reignite that spark, but right now it’s blown out, and has been for a while. And I’m tired of the dating scene. The bar scene especially is a huge wash. At 27 years old, I’m not trying to pick up my future wife at the bar. No thanks. And I do still want a wife. That hasn’t changed. That burning desire is about the only thing that has remained steadfast and constant. That need to feel like you matter to someone, that they appreciate you. That is something I will never give up trying to attain.

The issue with trying to attain that is that I am drained from trying. And yes, to all of you ‘pundits’ out there, I know, maybe that means I should stop trying so hard… so before you say anything, I get it. It’s just we’re taught at an early age to chase our dreams, and given that this is mine, I do not envision myself giving up looking for that anytime soon. Switch methods? Sure. Give up? Not on my life. But back to what I was saying… I’m drained. It’s been almost five years since the college sweetheart and I broke up my last serious relationship. The few girls I’ve dated/talked to since have led to my current frustrations and tired psyche. Not a one of them would label what we were or make anything official, which is a big deal to me. I’m not in it for fun, so I need to know that it could go somewhere. And I’ve lost count of how many “I’ve got to work on myself right now” and “things are crazy right now” and of course, the age-old “it’s not you, it’s me” lines I have been on the receiving end of. It’s debilitating. If you don’t have feelings for someone, that’s fine. That’s life, it happens. Just be honest with that person. It’s just like all that bull with the ‘friendzone’. You can’t force yourself to like someone, and I don’t want anyone to try to like me. Either they do or they don’t. If I’m ‘friendzoned’ or told straight up “I don’t have romantic feelings for you”, I’m not going to pine after you and make it awkward for everyone involved. But I think other guys do that and so the girl gives them a line, but that’s not what I want. I just want honesty. I want to know where I stand with you because I will always do my best to make sure you know where you stand with me. Simple as that.

I’m not the same guy I was in high school, or even college, at this point. I don’t want to bring a child into this world anymore. I don’t listen to love songs all the time anymore. I’ve learned from the experiences I’ve been through and hardened to a lot of things. I still want someone special to share my life with, but I’m not going to settle for just anyone. And in the meantime, I’m going to keep living my life to the fullest as much as I can and hope that I run into her, whoever she may be, sooner than later.

 

**If anyone is reading this that I have talked to and/or dated before, I hope that you do not take any offense to anything I’ve written. I’m just speaking what’s on my mind and am not trying to blame anyone for anything that has happened to me. It’s our experiences in life that shape us into who we are, and those experiences are all just chapters in our life story. Some good, some bad, but all serving as lessons to learn from.

The lyrics to this post’s title came from Childish Gambino’s Fuck It All