The closest I have come to talking about this before is when I have mentioned how I often feel that I am being judged by those around me, even for small, silly things. Well, that is just the tip of the iceberg. What I am going to share with you all today is extremely difficult for me to write about.

Feeling judged by others is a product of my anxiety. Yes, I suffer from anxiety. Although I cannot say that with 100% surety as I have not been officially diagnosed by a professional, it has become quite clear to me recently that I am suffering through something, and have been for a long time. Maybe it’s Social Anxiety Disorder, or Borderline or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don’t know. I just know that the way I feel is not normal.

I am terrified of being rejected or abandoned. I rarely text or call people first because I feel like I am annoying them and/or forcing my friendship on them. I worry more about offending others than being true to myself. I overthink everything. I care about people one day, then cannot stand them the next day, through no fault of their own. I constantly lose sight of who I am and how I fit into this world. I long for human contact yet avoid putting myself in those situations if I can. I question everything and trust no one. I feel terribly alone and am quite positive that I will die alone. Sometimes I feel good and that I can handle things. Most of the time, though, I feel like I am standing on the edge. Not suicidal thoughts. Just that I am always one step away from falling to shit. I try to put on a good front, but I do not know how convincing it is.

The worst, however, is how I perceive how everyone else sees me. I know I have friends. Not a lot of close friends, but a lot of friends in general. I know that. But I do not feel that. I do not feel like I have friends. I do not believe that people actually like me. Truly, I feel that way, as preposterous as it sounds. If people are not telling me how they feel about me, that they like having me around or appreciate me or think I am a good bloke, then I will not believe it. I do not trust them unless they are constantly saying it or showing it. How fucked up is that. And I feel this way all the time. And I feel so weird for that, that I need people to keep reaffirming the way they feel about me so that I believe it. And that is not something people really do in this day and age, so here I am, day in and day out, struggling to convince myself that I am liked and that people enjoy my presence. Most of the time I fail.

I am already hearing the judgment in people’s minds as they read this. I know people are going to think I am seeking attention, that I am stretching the truth or making it up completely. I can hear people reading this and thinking that they never saw any indication of this from me and my behavior. That I am only posting this to get people to have pity on me or befriend me or whatever. I know people will think these things because I think those same thoughts myself. That I am a fraud and trying to manipulate others. I battle with thoughts like that all the time, though. So I guess all I really want is for people to maybe understand me a little bit better, to understand where I am coming from.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for almost a year. Sharing these words feels like I am stripping my soul bare for you all to see, which, as you can imagine, is quite terrifying, like I am standing naked in front of you all. But I have ignored the way I have felt for too long. It is time that I acknowledge that I need some help. Writing has really become an outlet for me, and finally publishing this will hopefully help me some more (along with maybe finally going to see a psychologist). I know I cannot be the only person who feels like this, so if just one person reads this and relates to it and it helps them, then finally sharing it with you all will have been worth it.

 

P.S. If you made it this far, and you believe what I have written, please, please, please do not feel that you need to treat me any differently. I honestly am not looking for any pity or sympathy, and I hate awkward, so let’s not make it awkward. Thank you.

 

The lyrics for this post’s title came from Childish Gambino’s My Shine